Little Monsters

Driving home from our Kansas adventure, I asked my Brown Eyed Girl and Mr Blue Eyes to really (not just kinda but really) start thinking about what they wanted to be this year for Halloween.

Mr Blue Eyes: a Hockey Player (Again)!!!

My Brown Eyed Girl: maybe Rey from Star Wars???

When we got home Mr Blue Eyes was firm in his decision for a repeat costume. Granted, he assured me it was a "different" costume as he wasn't going to wear his Penguins jersey again this year (said with a subtle but not so subtle eye roll) he would be wearing his Arapahoe Hockey jersey. Obviously different!

My Brown Eyed Girl and I sat on the couch and scrolled through Amazon's selection of Rey costumes. She decided she wasn't really "feeling" the Rey this year. We started looking at alternative ideas and she perked up at the belly dancer and gypsy costumes. Without second guessing herself she said, "Oh! I want to be that for Halloween!"

We narrowed our search and she pined over the different styles and colors of gypsy costumes. Settling on a red fringed number, we hit order.

My Brown Eyed Girl waited anxiously for that Amazon box to be delivered two days later. The night it finally arrived, her excitement was bubbling over. As I opened the box and she stole that first glance of her vibrant red costume, she wiggled with glee and nearly squealed with excitement. The smile on her face out shined its self and I couldn't help but grab her in my arms, give her a huge hug and kiss her on top of her head. I told her I loved her and please don't ever stop being my little girl.

I glanced up at Handy Man from across the room as he watched the magic that spilled out of that opened box. He too smiled but did so while shaking his head because he knows how much this little girl has always loved to dress up, spin and twirl in dresses and embrace everything magical that comes with being that adorable little girl playing dress up.

I helped her try on the costume and she twirled around the room, testing the golden coin tassels that hung from her costume. My heart was literally bulging from the seams with love for my Brown Eyed Girl. You see, I love that even at 10 years old, my daughter still picks the most frilly, girly, dressy Halloween costumes. Silently, I prayed for her to never lose that little girl deep down inside of her.

Halloween fell on a Thursday this year.

The kids' school always holds a Monster Mash party in the school's gymnasium the weekend of Halloween. It's a must that we attend. A bit of a costume spoiler, but the kids thoroughly enjoy running around with their friends and playing carnival games for candy. It's also the best time to get a good picture of the kids in their costumes as they aren't bulk dressing for the cold weather and busting the door down in anticipation of running the streets mad in a feeding frenzy for candy and all things trick-or-treating.

I present to you the toughest forward this side of the Mississippi.

... and the most beautiful and talented traveling Gypsy. 

The obligatory photos in front of the front door, once again a success!

Monster Mash did not disappoint! 

A hundred semi-supervised elementary kids running a muck in the school gym while gorging on candy and playing carnival games. Parents standing in central locations, commiserating and counting down the minutes until it's all over. 

These boys! Coolest cats around!

Halloween arrived with just as much anticipated excitement as all of the other previous Halloweens for Mr Blue Eyes. He was especially excited knowing that we were giving one of his best buddies a ride to school that morning.

My Brown Eyed Girl was less like herself.

I must have asked her four times to get dressed for school. When she finally did come out of her room, I was irritated. She wasn't wearing the clothes we had selected a few days prior. The ones that would be best under her costume. Confused, I asked her several times why she didn't have her red tank top on under her sweatshirt. The red tank top that made her gypsy costume a more acceptable 10 year old version of itself. She just shrugged and wouldn't answer me.

As I was packing lunches and becoming more frustrated, I started in on my soap box of why she has to wear a tank top under her costume at school. As I looked over my shoulder to see if she was listening, I caught the anguish in her eyes. I turned and asked her what was the matter???

With gigantic crocodile tears and her face in her hands, my beautiful Brown Eyed Girl sobbed. She sobbed and became nearly impossible to understand. I was so confused. What was wrong with her? Was she feeling sick? I asked her what was the matter...

With hesitation, she told me she needed a new costume to wear at school. More tears escaped and her hands covered her face once again, in shame.

What do you mean you need a new costume?

And with that question, my beautiful little girl's soul crumbled as she confessed that a couple of mean boys at school had made fun of her costume the night of the Monster Mash. Then on Monday morning one of the boys had continued to taunt her about being "a pretty, pretty princess" for Halloween and wondered if she was going to wear her "pretty, pretty princess dress" on Thursday. She begged me for a new costume, because she just could not wear a dress to school.

I am not sure which emotion screamed the loudest inside my head at that moment.
Rage.
Extreme sadness.
Sorrow.
Empathy.
Disgust.

I took my little girl in my arms and hugged her even tighter. I told her that kids and people can be so cruel. I reminded her how much she loved that costume the night we opened the box together. I reminded her how she felt the first time she tried it on and how she looked the night of the Monster Mash. She was beautiful. I dug deep and came up with excuses for why someone would be so mean and tease her. Excuses that I knew were crap. But anything to pull her back to me. Anything to help her remember how wonderful she felt a few days ago.

She smiled faintly, wiped her tears from her cheeks and we agreed that we can't let others turn out our lights or take away our smiles.

I helped her changes her shirt and we pinned her hair up the way she had wanted to wear it that day.

She packed her costume in her back pack and seemed to have pushed the dread away.

Mr Blue Eyes' party started at 1:00. I helped his teacher organize the snacks and lead a few riveting rounds of Halloween Bingo. Exciting chatter filled the room as super heroes, villeins, various animals and a hockey player snacked on treats and juice boxes.

My Brown Eyed Girl's party started at 1:30. A few minutes before, I excused myself from Mr Blue Eyes' party (assuring him I would return) and walked down the hall to 5th grade. I walked into the room as my Brown Eyed Girl's class was returning from lunch.

A handful of her classmates slipped off to the bathrooms to change into their costumes. I stood in the back of the room and watched my Brown Eyed Girl sit in her chair, steadfast. She was making no effort to get her costume and change. I asked her, "Are you going to change?" She just shrugged. Maybe they were being released by table groupings?

I said hello to her teacher, another mother... and with effort I met her eyes again, "Are you going to change into your costume?" Again, she only shrugged her shoulders. A slight smile on her face as she broke eye contact with me again.

The teacher started a movie and the kids moved around the room for a better spot to watch from. I asked her a third and final time, "Are you going to change?"

One last time she shrugged her shoulders and whispered, "Maybe later..."

But I knew there would not be a later.

There it was.

The end of an era. The end of her innocence. The end of carefree childhood imagination and fantasies. I wanted to cry. I wanted to walk up to those boys and yell at them for being cruel. For crushing her spirit.

I knew that would only make things worse so I excused myself and told her I was going to pop back over to Mr Blue Eyes's party. A party filled with games, sugar coated laughter and fun.

Mr Blue Eyes was all smiles. His happiness placed the smile on my face. Inside, my heart was crying. Sorrow for my Brown Eyed Girl.

Mr Blue Eyes' party ended and I walked back down the hall to 5th Grade. I really wanted to just leave but I had promised her I would return.

I stood at the back of the room and my Brown Eyed Girl noticed my presence. She left her desk and slipped to the back of the room in silence and stood next to me reaching for my hand. She whispered, "Will you help me pin my vale on?"

I stared searchingly into her eyes and slowly found myself shaking my head... no.

I looked deep into her eyes and whispered back to her, "If you aren't going to wear your costume for yourself, you don't have to put part of it on for me. I am happy to be here with you at your party, no matter what you are wearing. Let's just finish the movie - together."

She shook her head and seemed sad. So I added, "Honey, we still have tonight. You can wear your costume at our friends' house and for trick-or-treating. We will have fun later tonight and celebrate Halloween, ok?"

She smiled brighter and I wrapped my arms around her and we stood there finishing the movie, slightly swaying now and then, giving each other silent strength to accept the changes that come with growing up. 


We swept the majority of the day under the rug and enjoyed our traditional Halloween evening with friends. Diner, laughter, too much candy and costumes welcome!

It took me a few weeks to finish this post...

I can't help but fear that this is my last Halloween obligatory photo in front of the front door with both Mr Blue Eyes and my Brown Eyed Girl.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, 

because those who mind don't matter, 

and those who matter don't mind.”

~Bernard Barunch

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

~Oscar Wilde

“Always be a first rate version of yourself 

and not a second rate version of someone else.”

~Judy Garland

“To shine your brightest light is to be who you truly are.”

~Roy Bennett

“Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love.”

~Rumi

Fear of Forty

Forty is the age my mother was when she had a daughter in college and another nearly out of high school. Almost an empty-nester. Forty is the age when my grandmother, was told she would be a grandmother. It means, had I started having kids early enough, I too could nearly be old enough to be a grandmother!

Forty is the age of mammograms, fiber supplements, control top underwear and spanx for every occasion. It's the age of knowing people who have been divorced for years and perhaps on second marriages already and some that have had heart attacks or are battling cancer. Forty is an age where many of my friends have started losing or already have lost their parents.

Forty seems so... old.

I approached my upcoming birthday wanting to be a woman prepared. I wanted to enter my forties in the best shape of my life. I have spent the better part of the last two years of my thirties in the gym, striving to chase youthfulness, while being spray tanned in clear hooker heels, wearing a tiny bedazzled bikini and a year supply of makeup at one time.

Long ago I accepted the rapidly duplicating gray hair due to genes I am not fully willing to embrace. I meet with my hair gal regularly. For the first time this last year, I really... really became aware of my wrinkles. I am not quite sure when my crows feet had become ostrich feet. I know this didn't happen over night. All of my fab and forty friends have already taken the plunge. So, I jumped on the Botox band wagon this year.

uhhhh.... forty.

Several of my girlfriends have passed the landmark without the slightest trace of trepidation. I just can't seem to get the irrational fear of forty out of my head.

I was not this afraid of thirty. When you are in your twenties, you kind of get tired of people telling you what to do all the time. You get tired of people not taking you seriously. You look forward to thirty. But forty is undoubtedly adulthood. At forty, it means I am closer to fifty than I am to twenty.

Forty means I am middle-aged.

Is this a mid-life crisis? I mean, I have no desire to buy a sports car or plan on running away to embark on my own version of Eat, Pray, Love. But Forty....

I am truly sad to say good bye to my thirties. I learned so much in my thirties.

Closest to my heart, I learned to be a mother and raise babies in my thirties. I learned to be a better wife, partner and friend and I can honestly say that the last half of my thirties has been the best part of my almost twenty-year relationship with Handy Man. We finally figured out how to effectively communicate with each other in our thirties. We also embraced how much traveling truly is good for our souls and good for our family.

I learned how to stick up for myself in my thirties. I learned how to hold my head high, with confidence, and walk away from a toxic work environment (even though it was a job I adored). I bravely started a brand new career in real estate that has been so amazing for me, my family and our future. I felt pride and new found independence when I bought my very fist car All. By. My. Self.

I have found a kindred group of hard working, amazing moms that have become a core group of my favorite people. I love these women in my life and they have truly been either my roll models or strength behind facing life each and and especially, facing forty.

I learned that I can set big goals, work hard and make dreams come true. In my early thirties I set my sights on someday just finishing a 5K race and a few years ago accomplished the right to call myself a marathon finisher. I fantasized about becoming a fitness competitor. Two years ago, I picked up my first set of weights in a gym and with extreme discipline made that dream a reality.

I feel like I spent the last ten years shaping my life, a life I am so proud of. To embrace forty, I just need to set some new goals and make this next decade amazing.

To be better partners in life, for the rest of our life, I am going to continue to work on my marriage more than any other endeavor. I know we will spend our forties taking control of our finances, and setting up our future as we daydream about retirement. omg "daydream about our retirement..." did I just say that?? see... old, old, old!

With strength and Jesus by my side, I will embrace the teenage years that I will no doubt struggle with in my forties. I pray that I continue to lead them in the right direction and nurture my Brown Eyed Girl and Mr Blue Eyes into successful young adults over the next ten years. Regardless, I just pray that they always know how much I love them and they never stop asking to hold my hand, sit snuggle-close to me on the couch or close each day with, "I love you to the moon and back!"

I want to protect my brain and my body. Read more, learn new things, eat well, make working out a priority each day. I vow to play more and have more fun! Find new adventures we can do as a family. Traveling, camping, four-wheeling, biking, hiking - I have never climbed a 14'er. Travel. Travel. Travel. Maybe in my forties we can do so first class or even Uber a private plane - just once! While I love the Cruise Ship Patty deep inside of me, I'd like to be more curious and less certain. Just get behind the wheel and drive.

I want to make sure to spend more time with my parents, my in-laws, my aunts, uncles and cousins. Maybe that sister trip to England/Ireland/Scotland? Take more time to celebrate - others. Let them know how important they are to me.

I want learn to forgive more easily. I need to be more ready to be wrong. Be careful about what I care so much about. Let go of the things that do not matter, the things and people that wear me down and distract me from all of the things that really truly do matter. Surround my self with kindred spirits and those that help my light shine.

I want to do more of those things I used to love. I want to reclaim the equestrian inside of me, the things that made me feel alive. I want to write more. Have lunches and coffee dates with those who make me smile. Slip away to the movies in the middle of the day and watch the sun rise or set for no special reason other than to admire the beauty.


Writing all of this down, a tear shed here and there...
I want to thank my thirties for giving me the tools to face forty head on and embrace the next decade of my life.

I can't help but think about Tim McGraw's song...

'I think I'll take a moment To 

celebrate my age The ending of 

an era And the turning of a page.'  

My Next Thirty Years

Tim McGraw

With coffee held high this morning, Cheers to 40 - a new chapter and the turning of a page.

Roadside Attractions

Fall break we found ourselves Kansas bound this year for a family wedding. Handy Man decided at the last minute that he should stay home and do all the adult work things. Which was perfect because I didn't have to find a pet sitter.

The kids and I have taken a lot of road trips together. We have, for the most part, always treated your road trips with a just get there kind of attitude. Perhaps because Iowa takes 11-12 hours each way... and our trip to Houston last spring took 16 each way to bring Tucker home.

I can remember as a kid my parents stopping at places like Car Henge and the Finstone's Park on our way to South Dakota for family vacations. Without Handy Man's vote to veto my plans, the kids and I decided to add a day of travel and plan an amazing roadside-touristy-trip across I-70. I pulled out my Cruise Ship Patty notebook and got busy Googling roadside attractions along I-70.

Handy Man rolled his eyes as I started pitching suggested stops to my Brown Eyed Girl and Mr Blue Eyes one night at the dinner table. He snickered and asked me, "What? Are you planning to see the World's Largest Ball of Yarn on your trip, or something?"

With a beaming smile, slightly flushed cheeks and a sing-songed tone to my voice, I replied, "Not the World's Largest Ball of Yarn... but we do plan to see the World's Largest Easel in Goodland, Kansas!"

First stop - The World's Largest Easel, Goodland, Kansas

The "Big Easel" is an 80 foot tall celebration of art and agriculture that was installed in June 2001. It is a reproduction of Vincent van Gogh's "Three Sunflowers in a Vase" painted by Canadian artist Cameron Cross. The Goodland Rotary Club maintains this little roadside attraction stop.

We made sure to sign their guest book. We were amazed how many signatures there were.

The kids thought it was pretty cool. 

A tiny little stop in our travels and yet a lasting memory made for sure!

We grabbed some lunch and I switched the audio book back on play (amazing timing that Rah Rah let me spend a few of her audio book credits. Oh, by the way... Where the Crawdads Sing is an excellent book. I highly recommend it!) The good old DVD player was set on repeat and we were off towards our second roadside adventure.


Second stop - The Sternburg Museum, Hays, Kansas

The museum had a wide variety of fossil, geological and even live rattle snake exhibits.

Beyond the fossils the kids really enjoyed the replica displays of different dinosaurs. These were in the underwater experience.

Upstairs was a land animal exhibit. 

It was like walking with the dinosaurs.

As we came around the bend, I must have set off a motion sensor because the large T-Rex model came alive! Screeching and moving with animation. The kids hit the deck!

Laughing hysterically, I reached for my camera and tried to coax them out from behind the log they were hiding by.

I laughed as I reminded them that dinosaurs are not real!

The museum had several hands on displays. The kids were able to dig for fossils! Awesome!! Digging in sand! Said no parent ever on a road trip... 

Back on the road again, we headed to our final destination of the day, Junction City, Kansas. Our only goal: a hotel with a pool!

Day Two

Third stop - The OZ Museum, Wamego, Kansas

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!

The OZ Museum is truly dedicated to all things OZ. The museum is home to exclusive exhibits featuring the earliest Baum books to souvenir memorabilia from around the world. There are over 2,000 artifacts including historical facts about the movie and actors.

Thirty minutes later and the kids were done. Jumping in the OZ balloon basket and ready to move on to bigger and better things. 

The balloon basket was the only 'hands on' part of the museum. It was definitely just looking at historical items and reading about their significance from a wall of glass displays. There were a couple videos playing about the author as well as the movie production, all boring to the kids.
I could have stayed a little longer.

Like a tribe of traveling gypsies, we were on the road again. Bonner Springs or bust!


Fourth stop - Moon Marble Company, Bonner Springs, Kansas

After years of owning a woodworking shop and creating wooden toys and game boards out of the scraps of wood, the owner of Moon Marbles, Bruce, found that it was hard to buy quality marbles for his game pieces. In 1997, his 'need' for marbles led him to transform his woodworking shop into a marble and game company. They stock both machine made and handmade marbles in every size and color.

I noticed while planning the trip that on Fridays Moon Marble offered free demonstrations of marble making. We weren't quite sure what to expect, but the 20 minute demonstration was well worth the time spent.

The artist took a clear glass stick and began heating it up in the torch until it eventually melted and she was able to mold the glass into a perfect sphere.

The crowd voted that she should make a rocket ship marble (similar to the blue marble on display in the lower right corner of the picture) in honor of the first female space walk that was happening on the same day.

The artist took a blue glass rod and began "painting" the clear glass ball with a sky blue.

As Bruce and the artist talked about the history of Moon Marble Company, she took additional glass colored rods and began sculpting a tiny rocket ship onto the marble. It was absolutely amazing how much detail could be made with a torch and glass rod.

On the display station we saw so many beautiful handmade marbles and even other glass creations like these eggs and bacon in a tiny skillet!

The kids really loved visiting the marble company. We bought several souvenir marbles before leaving.  [huge eye roll] marbles... another perfect idea while on a road trip...

We landed in Merriam, Kansas for a short family visit with family. The kids swam for hours and the adults caught up on the latest news with each other.

The wedding was beautiful and held in a really neat old building back in Bonner Springs. Bride and Groom are both very into cars and the venue was a club for car aficionados.

It was a beautiful, intimate setting for a fun filled night of family and friends.

I was able to finally meet my cousin's young daughters in person. A truly special moment for me.  

My Brown Eyed Girl swept The Minister in connect four.

It was lovely seeing my cousins, Riley and Reid! Such beautiful young ladies those two are!

It's always so good to see family. I just wish we all lived closer.

I wish the Bride and Groom a million years of happiness!

Early the next morning with the sky dark and mottled by fog, we ventured the long drive back home along I-70, only stopping for gas and food.