Fear of Forty

Forty is the age my mother was when she had a daughter in college and another nearly out of high school. Almost an empty-nester. Forty is the age when my grandmother, was told she would be a grandmother. It means, had I started having kids early enough, I too could nearly be old enough to be a grandmother!

Forty is the age of mammograms, fiber supplements, control top underwear and spanx for every occasion. It's the age of knowing people who have been divorced for years and perhaps on second marriages already and some that have had heart attacks or are battling cancer. Forty is an age where many of my friends have started losing or already have lost their parents.

Forty seems so... old.

I approached my upcoming birthday wanting to be a woman prepared. I wanted to enter my forties in the best shape of my life. I have spent the better part of the last two years of my thirties in the gym, striving to chase youthfulness, while being spray tanned in clear hooker heels, wearing a tiny bedazzled bikini and a year supply of makeup at one time.

Long ago I accepted the rapidly duplicating gray hair due to genes I am not fully willing to embrace. I meet with my hair gal regularly. For the first time this last year, I really... really became aware of my wrinkles. I am not quite sure when my crows feet had become ostrich feet. I know this didn't happen over night. All of my fab and forty friends have already taken the plunge. So, I jumped on the Botox band wagon this year.

uhhhh.... forty.

Several of my girlfriends have passed the landmark without the slightest trace of trepidation. I just can't seem to get the irrational fear of forty out of my head.

I was not this afraid of thirty. When you are in your twenties, you kind of get tired of people telling you what to do all the time. You get tired of people not taking you seriously. You look forward to thirty. But forty is undoubtedly adulthood. At forty, it means I am closer to fifty than I am to twenty.

Forty means I am middle-aged.

Is this a mid-life crisis? I mean, I have no desire to buy a sports car or plan on running away to embark on my own version of Eat, Pray, Love. But Forty....

I am truly sad to say good bye to my thirties. I learned so much in my thirties.

Closest to my heart, I learned to be a mother and raise babies in my thirties. I learned to be a better wife, partner and friend and I can honestly say that the last half of my thirties has been the best part of my almost twenty-year relationship with Handy Man. We finally figured out how to effectively communicate with each other in our thirties. We also embraced how much traveling truly is good for our souls and good for our family.

I learned how to stick up for myself in my thirties. I learned how to hold my head high, with confidence, and walk away from a toxic work environment (even though it was a job I adored). I bravely started a brand new career in real estate that has been so amazing for me, my family and our future. I felt pride and new found independence when I bought my very fist car All. By. My. Self.

I have found a kindred group of hard working, amazing moms that have become a core group of my favorite people. I love these women in my life and they have truly been either my roll models or strength behind facing life each and and especially, facing forty.

I learned that I can set big goals, work hard and make dreams come true. In my early thirties I set my sights on someday just finishing a 5K race and a few years ago accomplished the right to call myself a marathon finisher. I fantasized about becoming a fitness competitor. Two years ago, I picked up my first set of weights in a gym and with extreme discipline made that dream a reality.

I feel like I spent the last ten years shaping my life, a life I am so proud of. To embrace forty, I just need to set some new goals and make this next decade amazing.

To be better partners in life, for the rest of our life, I am going to continue to work on my marriage more than any other endeavor. I know we will spend our forties taking control of our finances, and setting up our future as we daydream about retirement. omg "daydream about our retirement..." did I just say that?? see... old, old, old!

With strength and Jesus by my side, I will embrace the teenage years that I will no doubt struggle with in my forties. I pray that I continue to lead them in the right direction and nurture my Brown Eyed Girl and Mr Blue Eyes into successful young adults over the next ten years. Regardless, I just pray that they always know how much I love them and they never stop asking to hold my hand, sit snuggle-close to me on the couch or close each day with, "I love you to the moon and back!"

I want to protect my brain and my body. Read more, learn new things, eat well, make working out a priority each day. I vow to play more and have more fun! Find new adventures we can do as a family. Traveling, camping, four-wheeling, biking, hiking - I have never climbed a 14'er. Travel. Travel. Travel. Maybe in my forties we can do so first class or even Uber a private plane - just once! While I love the Cruise Ship Patty deep inside of me, I'd like to be more curious and less certain. Just get behind the wheel and drive.

I want to make sure to spend more time with my parents, my in-laws, my aunts, uncles and cousins. Maybe that sister trip to England/Ireland/Scotland? Take more time to celebrate - others. Let them know how important they are to me.

I want learn to forgive more easily. I need to be more ready to be wrong. Be careful about what I care so much about. Let go of the things that do not matter, the things and people that wear me down and distract me from all of the things that really truly do matter. Surround my self with kindred spirits and those that help my light shine.

I want to do more of those things I used to love. I want to reclaim the equestrian inside of me, the things that made me feel alive. I want to write more. Have lunches and coffee dates with those who make me smile. Slip away to the movies in the middle of the day and watch the sun rise or set for no special reason other than to admire the beauty.


Writing all of this down, a tear shed here and there...
I want to thank my thirties for giving me the tools to face forty head on and embrace the next decade of my life.

I can't help but think about Tim McGraw's song...

'I think I'll take a moment To 

celebrate my age The ending of 

an era And the turning of a page.'  

My Next Thirty Years

Tim McGraw

With coffee held high this morning, Cheers to 40 - a new chapter and the turning of a page.